Looking for a highly skilled enthusiastic Teacher
The US School district is looking for an enthusiastic and highly skilled high school teacher in any subject. After a recent incident at the district, where one might say "shots were fired" we now have a wide hole in our teaching staff, pun not intended. As such we're looking for capable teachers.
Our district is located in the heart and soul of the US where we have many diverse backgrounds of students.
What you'll be doing
Teaching in one of the subjects of mathematics / arts history / biology / phyiscs / physical education / Prepping classes
Basic classroom managment
Fighting off armed and dangerous aassialants
Requirements for the role
Must have at least a masters degree in teaching from an accredited university
Must have the ability to effectively work and communicate with students, parents, and school personnel from diverse cultures and/or backgrounds
Proficient oral and written communication skills in English Must have small arms training
The ability to work harmoniously with others
The ability to follow oral and written instructionsMust be able to kill an armed man with any random object lying about the classroom Must have hand-to-hand combat training
The ability to learn the password to the panic room without having it written on your hand or small piece of paper
Must not resort to using children as human sheilds or "TikTok flesh bags" (parents do not respond well to this)
Must be able to manage 20 - 200 studetns at a time
Must bring their own supplies including books, pencils, paper, erasers, scissors, white board, white board assembly materials, projector screens, compuers, folders, coffee to share in the teachers lounge, chairs, tables, and in some cases doors to the classroom (Our district no longer has funding because our state's Senator said "Public school is gay")
Must be able to identify a humans deep personal trauma and use it against them at a moments notice
Must be familiar with Microsoft office suite (Word, Excel, Powerpoint, etc)
Must be capabale of floating several paychecks for the forseable future, we promise we'll pay youMust be willing to take out a life insurance policy for one million dollars and put it in the name of the school district
Must not be afraid to use the fears of your enemy agianst them
Must know how to unlock a door
Must be able to hit a moving target with a pistol from 50 yards away
Must be able to have nerves of steel and protect children while in grave personal danger
Must be able to carry upwards of 50lbs of tactical gear including bullet proof vest, ASP expandable baton, Glock firearm, mace, and body cam at all times during the course of the school day
Maintain integrity of confidential information relating to students, staff, or district patrons Must be fluent in conversational Spanish
Primary Location:
Any US High School
Salary
The salary of this position is commensurate with the wages of a house servant in Downton Abbey. If you have not seen the show we highly recommend you watch it. The love triangle between Lady Mary, Lord Gillingham, and Charles Blake is spicy.
Salary Range:
One 50$ Amazon gift card from a student who really enjoyed your class
Benefits:
The President saying in a speech on TV that teaching is an important and vital part of society Getting to meet parents who make what you make a year in a week
Teaching the next generation of selfish narcissist
Employee discount to the student store which sometimes has Costco bakery chocolate chip cookies Access to a vetrinarian who won't ask any questions
Paid time off during days the governemnt tells us we have to give you
Parental leave, not for you, for the parents
Professional development assistance - aka a distict employee telling you how to do your job better Referral program to the bar where all the teachers hang out and drink
Relocation assistance to living inside your classroom
Retirement plan that you can access when you're too old to do anything
Pizza Party